Fetal Echo was CLEAR

We had been scheduled for a fetal echo months ago.  After you have one child with a severe congenital heart defect, your chances of having another go up.  Our doctor (who I love, but is a little ditsy at times) told me to schedule the fetal at about 20-22 weeks.  I knew that was early.  We didn't have our first echo with Sam until 27 months along.   Well turns out you can do them as early as 18 months, but they do prefer to do them a little closer to 27.  The echo tech said it didn't really matter to her, she was confident in her skills, but she said she could totally see our doctor telling us the wrong time frame. 

The plus to doing it this early was that the echo looked more like a high class ultrasound.  Sam was so much bigger at 27 weeks, and I don't remember being able to see him move or see other body parts.  But since this baby was so much smaller (we are 21-22 weeks), I could see EVERYTHING.  Legs, legs, legs for days.  And he was moving the ENTIRE time.  He was playing with the cord in his hands, and even kicking it with his feet. 

Now, we had our 20 week US last week, and I knew we had a 4 chamber heart.  That doesn't rule out all the major defects, but it was already better news that we had with Sam.  I went into this echo feeling pretty confident.  But within the first 5 minutes I started to sweat.  The tech, who had been really chatty, stopped talking.  and we didn't say a word to each other...for the next 45 minutes!  Oh yeah that's right....on top of not talking, she was taking A MILLION photos.  Chris has been out of town, and I was alone.  I was thinking I wish he was here to hear the bad news with me, but then again I was glad he wasn't here bc he would be freakin' out.  Over that hour long echo, I convinced myself that whatever the news was, we would be ok.  I knew it would be bad.

Then, just like that, the echo was over and the tech says "well I think the doctor will be pleased".  Oh....OK....   Suddenly relieved, I sat down in a chair in the room and watched as the tech brought in the doctor and started going over the echo photos.  My stomach pitted again, as they began to WHISPER about the photos.  The tech pointed out a series of photos to him, where she was worried about one of the fetal circulatory holes that exist until birth in the atrial septum.  He kind of brushed it off and whispered an explanation to her.  Then he turned to me and said that he can rule out all major, life effecting defects with this echo.  However, he went on, the echo can't pick up with any accuracy small septal defects.  He never said that is what they were discussing, but he said that he feels the baby's heart looks great, and if anything exists, it is too small to need surgical correction.  Curious discussion...but having been where we have been with Sam, I do trust him that the baby's heart is healthy and we won't have anything to worry about. 

Sam and I have been keeping ourselves busy over the last week.  Chris had to go out of town, so we have been hanging out, watchin' Yo Gabba Gabba, going out to eat, and shopping.  We bought some new clothes for the baby, and have started setting up Sam's room to be a room for two.  Photos to follow when we get a matress on the bed, and when Sam gets his new bed spread (Yo Gabba Gabba, of course). 

~Kathy

HEALTHY

We went to our 20 week US this morning with much anticipation and under much stress.  The tech was amazing and went straight for the heart.  The first thing we got to see was a beautiful, perfectly divided 4 chamber heart.  And then got to see that sweet face and the gender...

Baby BOY #2 is perfectly healthy and growing right on track!  We couldn't be happier!  Thank you everyone who prayed for us! 

~Kathy

20 Week Ultrasound

So our 20 week ultrasound is tomorrow.  I would love to say I can't wait to find out if it's a boy or a girl.  But I just don't think that even matters to me.  How could it?  After all, if there is one good lesson I learned at Sam's 20 week US, it's that the only person going into this US wondering what the sex is is the parents. 

The real reason for this US is to check for the babies health.  It's to look for defects, abnormalities, and syndromes.  It is your first opportunity to find out whether the rest of their life, and yours, will be everything you dreamed and hoped.  How dumb it seems now, that for Sam's 20 week US we walked in only wanting to know the sex.  That we had planned to go out to eat for a fancy dinner afterwards and talk about names and nursery themes.  Our innocence and naivety was shattered.  We are no longer ignorant to the fact that babies are not created equal or perfect. 

I remember every word of that 20 week US for Sam, and the high risk doctor's US that followed the next day.  I remember every word as they fell from those doctors' mouths like bricks, slowly building the wall between what our lives and personalities were, and what they were to become.   I don't even remember who I was on that day when everything changed for us; I only know who I am after that day.  I had no idea one US could challenge your faith, your relationships, and your dreams for the future. 

We are blessed.  Beyond measure.  And I wouldn't take anything back just so that we wouldn't have to suffer this. But I can't do it again.  Not that I have a choice.  It's not like I'll drop dead and be released from the responsibility of caring for another special needs child.  No matter what is found tomorrow, we will have to accept it.  But I don't want to do it again.  Maybe for selfish reasons.  Who wants the burden of extra doctor visits, questioning your child's every odd symptom as if it's signs of something mortally serious, and facing a future that may not include that child in it?  But it's not just us who suffers.  Some day Sam will have some harsh realities to face.  Much harsher than ours.  I just can't bare to see another one of mine go through that. 

I have had some whacked up dreams lately.  Pregnancy does that.  But mix it with stress over baby's health and you get some really crazy results.  I haven't said much about the stress of all this to anyone, but it's spilling over.  I'm ready to know whatever this US holds for us tomorrow.  Say a prayer for health and acceptance.

~Kathy

Big Boy Bed

Sam had his first night in a 'big boy bed' last night.  We got this car bed used, and Sam LOVES it.  He went to bed super easy and stayed in bed all night.  He napped in it today without trying to get out, too.  We are on night #2, and when I handed him his cup of milk around 7pm tonight he said "night night in car?"   He was ready to be rid of the jail bars of the crib!  Now if potty training could be just as easy...

Snapshot

Snapshot of a moment I want to remember and have ready for recall forever.

Sam, Chris and I on my king size bed.  Chris tickling Sam until Sam begs in a raspy voice through the laughter "Daddy, No!"  Sam, struggling against the softness of the mattress to stand up.  Once steady, Sam saying of  few words (only we don't speak toddler-ese so we don't know what he's just proclaimed) and then tossing his head and arms up in the air and throwing his body into the piled up blankets and pillows.  Sam doing this over and over again while Chris and I play bumper pads until he is blue in the face with exhaustion.  Sam, laughing so hard at the whole event that he throws up his recently eaten dinner.

~Kathy